As we learned in the first lesson, building a network takes consistent effort, similar to planting a tree. The tree only grows if the gardener consistently waters and nurtures it. The tree will take time to grow, and it’s uncertain if the tree will survive to provide the gardener with shade. Despite this, the gardener continues to nurture the tree.
Givers, Takers, and Matchers
Successful connectors are like gardeners, but instead of nurturing plants, they nurture people by helping them grow and providing solutions to their problems without the expectation of something in return. In Adam Grant’s book, Give and Take, he calls these people Givers. A Giver is someone who seeks to help others selflessly for the sake of making a positive impact in their lives. Unlike Matchers, who give only when they receive, or Takers, who suck people dry, Givers have no intention of receiving anything from those who benefit from their help. According to Give and Take, a book by Adam Grant, all the help a Giver provides to their network creates a rising tide of success that results in the Giver out-performing Takers and Matchers. Being a Giver has rewards in the short-term too. According to research, people who help others are happier, live longer lives, and are less likely to be depressed.
The giving mentality can’t be faked or used as a bargaining chip for future favors because people will see through the deception. I remember a get-together where an individual tried to give me a backrub (yes really!), offered me a drink, and soon after asked me if he could be introduced to people in my network for his personal gain. Not only was it creepy, but that person also burned his bridge with me and identified himself as a Taker.
The Connector’s Toolbox
How can we give to others when we think we have nothing to offer? Mistakenly, many people think that in order to build a network, one must be inherently charismatic, held in high esteem, or have tons of money. Luckily, that isn’t the case. In their book, Influence Without Authority, Allan Cohen and David Bradford argue that people focus too narrowly on the tangible assets they value, instead of the intangibles that others value.
The Connector’s Toolbox has 5 tools that you can use to give to others without requiring anything but your own effort. They are:
???? Expertise – Applying your skills to help someone solve their problem. If you’re a great editor, maybe you can help a nonprofit with their communications. Are you awesome at Excel? Maybe you can help someone set up a spreadsheet.
???????? Mentorship – Listening to the person and providing them with counsel or resources to help them solve their problem. You can share your experiences with others to help them work through their problems or just listen to them so they have a confidant.
???? Sweat Equity – Offering extra hands on someone’s project or finding information (articles, book recommendations, etc.) to help them when you lack expertise. It’s a great way to get started networking, learn new things, and cement a relationship.
???????? Introductions – Facilitating introductions between two or more people that can help either person further their goals. The caveat is you’re tapping into someone else’s ability to help, not your own. You must be careful not to take advantage of your connections. In later lessons, I will explain how to do this correctly so it doesn’t backfire.
???? Gratitude – Showing people who have impacted your life that you appreciate them. Writing a thoughtful thank you note can do a lot to make you feel happier and the person you’re thanking appreciated. Later in the course I will teach you how to write an excellent thank you note.
Next time you meet someone, remember the Connector’s Toolbox, and think of ways you can apply it towards your relationship.
Giving is Great, But too Much Can Cause Burn Out
It’s important to keep in mind that you can only give if you have the bandwidth to do so. Focusing all of your time to giving without taking care of yourself can cause burn out. Block time for your giving activities so they don’t dominate your calendar, and if you can, give in micro doses.
Adam Rifkin, for example, practices the 5 minute favor. If he can help someone in less than five minutes, he does it. For requests that would take more than 5 minutes, he must contemplate whether he’s the best person for this favor. An example of a 5 minute favor would be introducing two friends to each other knowing that this introduction would help both of them achieve their career goals. Another example could be sharing a friend’s blog post on social media so their work will be seen by more people—this could really lift your friend’s spirits and help them feel validated.
To Do:
- Take 15 minutes to think of at least five people you can help by using the Connector’s Toolbox in your course workbook.
- Open your course workbook to Lesson 2, and write a sentence or two on how you can help each of them.
- Schedule time to help those you mentioned.
You probably thought of multiple people to help in your network, but odds are you won’t be able to remember everyone in your network that needs help.
Recommended Reading
- Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success by Adam Grant
- Influence Without Authority (2nd Edition) by Allan R. Cohen and David L. Bradford
- Wikipedia: “Five whys”
- Nature Communications: “A neural link between generosity and happiness”
- Greater Good Magazine: “The Activism Cure”
- SAGE journals: “A Longitudinal Study of the Development of Emotional Deception Detection Within New Same-Sex Friendships”
- Harvard Business Review: “Beat Generosity Burnout”
- Forbes: “Pay It Forward with the Five-Minute Favor”
