“In the end, there doesn’t have to be anyone who understands you. There just has to be someone who wants to.”
–Robert Brault
In our last lesson we learned about like, laugh, listen, and appreciation. In this lesson we will learn about how we can deepen our relationships to expand the channel of communication, which is the implicitly agreed-upon range of acceptable topics for a conversation.
The Depth of Your Relationship Defines Your Conversation
Your relationships have a range of conversational norms that are deemed appropriate for the relationship. The level of depth of your relationships can range from unfamiliar, familiar, intimate, and meaningful. The levels are stacked upon each other like a pyramid with unfamiliar on the bottom, familiar on the second level, intimate on third level, and meaningful on the top.
In order to get to the top of the pyramid, you have to give each supporting layer time to harden so it can support the weight of the next level. Each person you know requires a time investment if you wish to increase the depth of the relationship.
Four levels of the relationship depth pyramid
Level number 1 – Unfamiliar (Trust level: non-existent): A stranger, possibly someone you’ve read about, seen around the office, or heard friends mention. Focuses mainly on facts and small talk about work, sports, and what’s on Netflix. Most of your regular conversations with strangers, acquaintances, or colleagues will fall into this category.
- Examples of Conversation Starter:
- How are you doing?
- How goes your work?
- Doing anything fun this weekend?
- Have you read or watched anything good recently?
Level number 2 – Familiar (Trust level: low): An acquaintance you’ve spoken with a few times. Conversations have likely stuck to small-talk. Focuses on feelings, goals, and non-polarizing beliefs. Here we can seek out advice for things you’re trying to get done. Talk about hobbies and side projects. Usually, you have these conversations with your friends.
- Examples of Conversation Starter:
- How are things going with that project you were working on?
- I heard you were completing your pilot’s license, how is that going?
- Did you hear Frank landed the promotion?
Level number 3 – Intimate (Trust level: medium): You have met this person multiple times, or have worked with them. You share information with each other and are willing to help each other out. Your trust in them has limits, but you feel comfortable being candid about some things.
- Examples of Conversation Starters:
- Last time we spoke you told me you were having an issue with Mark. Was that resolved? Anything I can do to help?
- I’m thinking about (buying or doing something), do you have any advice?
Lever number 4 – Meaningful (Trust level: high): We talk about our vision for the future, our core beliefs, and our vulnerabilities. You have built enough trust to provide the person with feedback regarding issues they are running into and you are receptive towards their feedback. You can talk about small challenges in life such as looking for a new job, trouble at work, relationship issues, etc. At this level, you learn about what drives that person and what they are trying to achieve. Usually, you have these conversations with your close friends.
- Examples of Conversation Starters:
- I noticed you really have your life together when it pertains to (goals, family, relationships), and I’m sort of struggling. What do you think I can do to improve?
- Based on what you have said to me, I’ve noticed you have been struggling at work, anything I can do to help? I have a few things that helped me when I struggle at work. Would you be ok if I shared them with you?
- What do you think about Frank? I’m having an issue with him and I need your advice on how to resolve this.
- I’m thinking about making a big career move, and I want to know if you had any feedback for me?
Moving Up The Pyramid
In order to increase the odds of you reaching the top of the pyramid, it requires developing trust which is created through familiarity, honesty, and integrity.
To Do:
- Open your Conversation Worksheet to practice the exercises for this lesson.
- Assess your current relationships to see where they land on the pyramid.
- Of the lower level relationships, have you tried seeing what you can do to move them up a level?
- Try to move a level 1 relationship to level 2. If you get pushback, relent. If it works, proceed to deepen the relationship.
In our next lesson you’ll learn why arguments are for losers.
–Jordan
Conversation Mentor
Recommended Reading
- The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey
