A quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Who you are speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you’re saying.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
In our last lesson, we learned about the importance of conversation experiments. But some of you might be afraid of how to begin a conversation. Today we are going to learn about the implicit signals people are sharing with you that provide you with an opening for a conversation.
Conversation Openers
A lot of time is spent trying to figure out the perfect thing to say to open a conversation. You can find numerous books and classes on memorizing the perfect conversation openers. All the time spent memorizing conversation openers is a waste. When you use these canned openers, you will be perceived as inauthentic, and people can see right through that. To make things worse, you won’t know what to say after you’ve used the conversation opener.
There’s no magic trick for starting conversations
Each conversation is unique and there’s no rulebook on how to start them. You need to incorporate who the person is, where you both are, and what might be happening around you during your conversation in order for it to be successful. But if you don’t know anything about the person, where do you begin?
A flight jacket and a great conversation
One day at work, I came across a person wearing a brown jacket that looked similar to my grandpa’s World War II flight jacket. I decided to bring this up to the person who was wearing it. Ten minutes later, the conversation went from flight jackets to his family’s antique weapon collection, and finally, how he was part of a special task force that oversaw the overthrow of Saddam Hussein’s regime in 2003. Woah. What happened here?
Conversation Hooks
Like it or not, people perceive you based on your actions and what you wear. What you wear sends signals to people about how you’re feeling, what you care about, and how seriously you take yourself. Your actions indicate what’s important to you and what you’re trying to obtain. A conversation hook can be any object or action that provides you with a slight tell about the person, which makes it easier to start a conversation.
Examples of conversation hooks:
- Clothing with your favorite band, movie, or sports team on it.
- Your cellphone with a decorative Star Wars case.
- The book or magazine you took to the coffee shop.
- Tattoos, friendly ones that is, best not to ask about the tattoo related to a crime.
Conversation hooks serve as an indicator to others what you’re interested in, so it makes it much easier to start a conversation. By showing your interests to others, you make yourself more approachable and easier to talk to. The conversation hook provides the much-needed commonality that makes the conversation easier to take place.
Using A Conversation Hook
Now that you have spotted someone with a conversation hook, it’s time to start a conversation. Take the conversation hook and use it as the initial opener to the person. “Hey, I see you like Star Wars, what did you think about The Last Jedi?” “You’re reading Lord of The Rings, what did you think about the battle of Helm’s Deep?” These are all simple examples, but there’s no right way of doing it. The only wrong way of doing it is not acting upon the conversation hooks you see.
Conversation Hooks are Tribal
Not only do conversation hooks represent what you like, but also they indicate what tribe you belong to. Like it or not, we are a very tribal species. We look favorably upon those who are part of our tribe and are more willing to cooperate with tribemates than non-tribe members. If someone indicates they are part of your tribe, it means:
- You are inclined to like the person because they are similar to you.
- You have a common interest you can talk about.
- You now have a channel of communication to get the conversation going.
To Do:
- Open your Conversation Workbook to practice the exercises for this lesson.
- The next time you see someone, see how many conversations hooks you can spot.
- What do the conversation hooks tell you about the person?
- Try to use the conversation hooks to start a conversation.
In our next lesson, you will learn about the power of like, laugh, learn, and appreciate.
–Jordan
